"Homewrecker"

The title of this post is the one-word message I received a while back when I had a profile on DaddyHunt. It came from a photoless profile of a man in Fort Worth, Texas. Having had no contact with this man before, I was surprised to receive such an accusatory message. I responded, suggesting that his message had been intended for someone else. The reply came back that it was for me, because on my profile I state that I’m willing to hook up with partnered men. Although it was probably an exercise in futility, I wrote back and drew his attention to that sentence as it appeared on my profile “Willing to hook up with partnered men, as long as you’re not breaking the rules of your relationship”.

To me, the final part of that sentence makes all the difference in the world. When two (or more) people are in a relationship, they get to make the rules and those rules can include an element of sexual non-exclusivity. If some guy in a relationship is free to hook up with me, and I want to hook up with him, what’s the harm and furthermore, who else’s business is it?

Gay men, have quite varied opinions on sexual exclusivity in relationships. Many, like me think sexual exclusivity isn’t that important and/or have trouble delivering it, so don’t promise it. As RuPaul once said “Don’t let your mouth write cheques that your ass can’t cash”. Others are very much in favour of sexual exclusivity. All to the good, if that’s what you agree with your partner(s). Lots of people say that feelings of jealousy would quickly derail any open relationship for them, so closed is the way to go. Of course, sexual non-exclusivity is a continuum ranging from the occasional three-way or hookup when you’re out of town to, well, as much as you can handle.

What I find very surprising, however, is the vehemence with which some gay men condemn open relationships. It’s very common to see on dating profiles that men aren’t willing to hook up with partnered men (which is perfectly reasonable). What’s not so reasonable is the condemnation of someone’s open relationship – the idea that looking for sex outside the relationship means the relationship is superficial or in trouble and that those involved should work more on their relationship rather than seeking outside sex. Maybe those condemning open relationships should spend that energy working on their own (presumably-closed) relationship.

My most successful relationship was open. Neither of us believed sexual exclusivity was any kind of ideal, and so didn’t think it was worth striving for. Why waste energy like that? The arrangement worked out well for us – we were both into some sex that the other wasn’t, so we got to have that sex with other people and still have sex, intimacy and love with each other. Our relationship only ended because one of us died. (Aside: it’s a weird cultural idea that relationships that end with death are a success and those which end any other way are a failure – but that’s another blog post.)

There was a time when people would say that the only kind of relationship that was authentic was that between a man and a woman. Now, thankfully, more and more people are realising that relationships can encompass all kinds of sexualities and genders – love is what counts. It’s rather disappointing that some gay men haven’t realised that yet.

Movie Review: Mr Right (2009)

Mr Right is one of those well-meaning gay indie films that starts with the premise that a film about gay people doesn't have to be about gayness. We're introduced to a number of characters, all gay men who are friends with the same straight woman and who socialise in Soho.

There's a frustrated TV producer with an equally frustrated actor boyfriend, a successful actor in a medical drama, a successful artist and his devastatingly handsome kept man, and an antique dealer with a nine-year-old daughter from a previous straight marriage. We also meet the straight female friend and her new boyfriend and a lot of the film is taken up by some really quite dreary "is he or isn't he gay" stuff. It's not clear whether we're supposed to conclude he's deluded, or that hanging out with gay men turns you gay, neither of which are particularly agreeable options. This whole subplot feels very bolted on and unsatisfying.

The real problem with this film is that, with the exception of William, the antique dealer, none of the characters are remotely sympathetic. They're either deluded (in the case of the artist and the struggling actor), self absorbed (the struggling actor again) or just plain spiteful. Unfortunately, this really gets in the way of any point of the film is trying to make.

The pivotal scene occurs at a dinner party when secrets are revealed and long simmering tensions finally boil over. This scene isn't particularly well acted, but also, the characterisation gets in the way. The successful actor berates his antique dealer boyfriend for being too timid about their relationship, and accuses him of being overprotective about his daughter, trying to protect any loss of any kind after an acrimonious divorce and her mother's subsequent death in a car accident. It's a fair point, that no matter how well-intentioned we are, we can't protect children from everything and we can't protect them forever. Unfortunately, this comes over so viciously that the point itself is lost and we wonder why, given he's so nasty, the antique dealer is even trying to be in a relationship with him.

The film does have some funny lines and there are some touching moments. Rocky Marshall, who plays William, gives a very sensitive performance which is head and shoulders above anybody else in the cast. Unfortunately, the film as a whole doesn't gel. However, it was only the first film from brother and sister writing and director team David and Jacqui Morris, so here's hoping they build on the good parts of this film, and their evident love for Soho, in their next project.

Movie Review: Boystown (2007)

Boystown is an amusing, if slightly uneven, Spanish gay comedy centred around a bear–club couple. Leo (Pepón Nieto) is the older member of the couple and works as a driving instructor while his younger partner Rey (Carlos Fuentes) does odd jobs as a plumber. At the start of the film, they're very much in love and their only problems are a shortage of money and an ex-boyfriend of Rey's sniffing around a little bit too intently.

All of this changes when there are a spate of murders of old ladies living alone in the neighbourhood. This fate befalls Leo and Rey's elderly neighbour. When the police find out that the neighbour left her flat to Rey, Leo and Rey are immediately suspects. The situation is not helped when Ray's harridan of a mother comes to live with the couple after being kicked out by her daughter for drying a cat in a microwave.

The murders are investigated by neurotic policewoman with multiple phobias and her long-suffering son. The audience learn very early in the film that the culprit is a buff, gay estate agent who is bumping off the old ladies so that he can buy their flats and redevelop them to sell the gay yuppies.

The two leads make a very good job of playing a happy gay couple, with a number of funny and touching scenes, not least the playful scene in which Rey has taped pens to his hands to look like his cartoon hero, Wolverine, before he ravishes his beloved.

What was really interesting to me however, is a scene in which the improbably buff estate agent beats up Leo while berating him for being the kind of gay men who isn't interested in going to the gym, endless personal grooming and wearing the most fashionable clothes. This scene really struck a chord with me, with the estate agent almost seeming to symbolise mainstream gay culture with its emphasis on the superficial and Leo representing the more balanced gay existence where what's on the inside matters more than what's on the outside.

This film is an amusing watch if you're looking for something undemanding, especially if you have a taste for Spanish bears.

Film Review: I Love You, Phillip Morris

This film was quite different from what I was expecting. I thought it was going to be the story of the straight man who gets sent to prison and falls in love with another man for the first time. In fact, although our hero is married, he's gay and he knows it. After a car accident, he decides it's time for him to live a more authentic life as an out gay man. Learning that living the gay highlife is very expensive, he turns to insurance fraud to keep him and his boyfriend in the manner to which they've become accustomed. Eventually, he gets caught and sent to prison.

In prison, he meets and falls in love with the Phillip Morris of the title and concocts evermore elaborate schemes to get his lover out of prison so that they can be together.

Both Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor give great performances, as the conman and his beloved respectively. The film is a blend of thriller, comedy and love story and all through these elements are deftly woven together. But what really made this film for me, is that this is a film about gay men without being a film about gayness. None of the gay characters agonise over their gayness, it's just taken as a given, and the story is just about what happens to them. As has been noted by other commentators, most gay films, at least mainstream Hollywood ones, are films about gayness and its struggles. "I Love You, Phillip Morris" doesn't fit this mould and is all the better for it.

I found this film funny and touching and rate it a solid 4 stars out of 5.